Takoyaki Self Explosion
by PariahPandemonium
Summary: I'm a relatively strange person. I buy nasty takoyaki from a vendor, my only friend is my cousin, and I have a obsessive crush over Kisuke Urahara. I'll explode before I confess.


世界征服は愛を必要とします

World domination requires a love.

* * *

I am humiliated.

I'm _never _showing my face again.

**Ever.**

I dug my head into my knees, my face warm with embarrasment as tears poked at my eyes.

What is wrong with _me_?

I shook as Mari tried to peel me from Grandma's warm closet. It had an ancient dusty smell resonating from the poofy fabric of her 1980 prom dress.

Coaxing me won't help. I'm ruined. I'll need countless amounts of self-therapy in my dead grandma's closet. Kill me now. I'm dead inside.

"Please... Hirari! I have to go to the movies with Lawliet and your holding me up." She pleaded quietly.

I scoffed, muttering into a perfume fumigated dress."Sure, laugh it up. I'm ending up alone in a moth-ball filled closet while your out with your anime look-alike boyfriend!" I whined.

"Come on... do you want some candy?"

I shuddered, heaving a sob.

"Bad memories...bad memories... bad memories... bad, bad, bad!"

"I... won't press. Just don't suffocate with those clothes! I worry... just... don't die." Her voice felt muffled throught the wood and clothing.

I felt her footsteps fade into the distance and sighed in relief.

You may be asking, why is Mari asking such drastic things? I'm not a little kid!

Well, I sort of _am._

My age and mentality suggest that I'm an adult, but technically my growth stunted by the vigorous amounts of coffee I drank everyday since _second grade. __  
_

_I'm 149 centimeters, and am starting my first day at High School!_

_"Hey...kid are you sure you got the right class...right school!?"_

_"Your so small!?" _

_"Are you stupid? This is not your school! Run to your mommy and daddy now!"_

I shuddered slightly, digging my face deeper into a vintage shirt.

I'm so small, I can fit into the fucking _back trunk _of a car, shipped in a _cardboard box._

Why!?

I sighed longingly. Why can't I be _tall?_

Lanky tall, fat tall, I dont care. I want to be able to look people in the eye! I want to look at _Kisuke Urahara _in the eye.

I froze. Kisuke... Uruhara... bad memory... remembering... processing... NO!

I began to sob hysterically.

Woe is me... stupid cat... lady... thing.

I bet you want to know all the juicy little tidbits of my horrible slice of life shoujo manga fail, and my utter _embarrasment _in front of Urahara Candy Shop.

No... I'm not telling you.

But... _fine._

I sneezed into a sickly purple purse and began to drift to my actions following my refuge in a dusty wardrobe/closet.

I set my gaze on a rather pretty stain on a polka dotted dress.

* * *

It was a nice, nice day.

The kind of day you would sit in a grass meadow and spread your hair across the grass gaining all kinds of nasty lice...

I mean, the kind of day you would sit at the window, gazing outwards towards the crisp woods, watching all those buff sweaty men shoot innocent deer during hunting season...

I'm not really good at _optimistic _descriptions.

It was a normal day. With normal people. At my cousin Mari's normal tea shop.

I'm not going to try anymore... yes... no more descriptions.

Mari hurried around making her happy tea as her tall boyfriend, Lawliet stirred sugar into his tea while eating a piece of cake. What kind of coincedence is _that?_

They met at a cake shop and Mari, the overbearing weird girl wanted to be his friend while he was unapproachable. Just because he was crouching jovially on a seat, intricately biting on his thumb. She talked about red velvet cake and they clicked.

Get this, he doesn't even _know _about Death Note.

Makes you wonder.

Do shinigami exist too?

I shivered inwardly. If there were shinigami, I'd only want cute ones like Gelus around.

Cute little patchwork dolls who liked humans and didn't want to eat people brains. Cute. Not deadly.

Sighing, I dug into my plateful of eggs and rice making a noise of satisfaction. Mari was really good at cooking eggs!

Well... she sucked at making anything other than eggs, tea, and cake so win-win for Lawliet?

I don't know how boys...men worked.

I _wish _I did. But if men were easier to read and learn I'd be a stripper. An underage stripper. And the only bias they had was that men wanted to pay and get _laid._

That... is not for me. Definitely.

Lawliet coughed lightly, removing himself from his seat. He settled into a lazy slouch, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Mari grinned. "We can go to the library after I finish my ramen." She said, breaking her chopsticks. She was truly a replica of Naruto, only with black hair and brown eyes.

Ramen and all, without the speech impediment.

"Hirari, can you go pick up some candy from Urahara? I know how much you like their owner," she teased lightly, slurping up a glob of noodles.

I blushed slightly, frowning. "Hey!" I objected, snatching her chopsticks.

She pouted. Her gaze shifted as she leaned toward Lawliet, who was making another cup of tea, whispering loud enough for me to hear. "Someone is a little defensive today." He gave a half-smile thing, awkwardly patting her head. "Good deduction, Sherlock."

I had a feeling he was being sarcastic.

She pouted yet again, frowning slightly. "Fine," She handed me a list of things she needed and a handful of money.

"I do need these from Urahara AND the grocery store, so I need you to run along duckling!" She grinned at me. "I'm a bit busy right now.' She gestured to her ramen.

I frowned. "I bet your just gonna suck face again," I stated.

She turned a shade of red, snatching her chopsticks from me. She began to stuff her face, embarrased.

Lawliet sat next to her again, his hand holding a cup of tea. "Maybe," He mused. Mari turned a brighter red, gulping.

"Just go," She mumbled into her bowl.

I grinned teasingly, leaning to the door. I pushed it open, and began to read over the list.

_Lawliet's Needs, written by Mari_

_10 choco bars (did somebody say CHOCLATAY!?)_

_3 pounds of sugar_

_Marshmallows_

_Flour and 1 dozen eggs(for baking, which I make his cake)_

_OTHA BAKING THINGS YOU KNOW HIRARI_

_Mari's Needs written by Lawliet_

_10 packs of chicken ramen_

_10 packs of sapporo ichiban_

_1 bag of rice_

_1 pound of salt_

_2 packs of pocky_

_5 dozen eggs (not including mine) _

_Please tell Mari sodium does not help her deductive skill or her spelling._

I laughed lightly, folding the paper into my pocket. Glancing back, I guffawed at the hilarious scene.

Lawliet had Mari's chopstick up his mouth, sharing ramen with her. She had a satisfying grin on her face, giving me a peace sign.

I rolled my eyes, Mari was really silly.

I was about to turn my head when with one swoop Lawliet had the chopsticks out of his mouth and pressing his lips to Mari's.

I turned my head quickly after, red splattering onto my cheeks.

_Why?_... so ... mushy... don't... start...crying...about...love life..._  
_

Which is really nonexistent.

I just have one big bad crush.

On **the **_Kisuke Urahara._

Captivating grey eyes hidden under a mysterious green and white hat and silky golden hair swept over his forehead into graceful bangs... I'm _obsessed._

He has a silky, deep voice that booms with laughter and a sappy grin that makes me melt. His aloof atittude and sweet demeanor, and the way he talks to children... dear Lord, I feel like a stalker.

But he _is _real. And he's only a few blocks down where I live.

Destiny, I tell you.

I regularly visit for candy stops, and whenever Mari or Lawliet need extra sugar. I _am _the one who has the time to buy everything, and in return Mari lets me stay at her house. Win-win-win for everyone!

I glanced at the list again, sighing.

I weighed the money on my hand, roughly estimating it to be 7000 yen. (70 USD) I put that in my wallet, and went to the grocery store, _first._

After dropping off a large part of the list to a flustered Mari and a slightly smiling Lawliet, I set off to Urahara.

I tried to readjust my short hair to not show split ends, and checked my smile to make it look sweet.

Read: _tried._

My hair still looked frizzy and my smile looked constipated. I settled for tying my hair back and giving a closed curl of the lips.

I snapped close my compact mirror, stuffing it somewhere in my pocket and tenatively stepping across the street.

Only for a busty highschooler to get hit by a car.

_Almost._

"Hey, kid, are you okay?' I panicked as she limped up, a large screech mark pasted on her pale leg.

I could feel her incredulous gaze; I was _shorter _that her. Not to mention laundry board here.

"Um... yes," She muttered.

I glanced back at the car that was speeding away. Oh. Hit and run. Fucking _coward. __  
_

"It's a good thing you weren't injured," I stated. "Does your leg hurt?" I kneeled down and inspected her leg. The mark wasn't inflicting pain or drawing blood, it was only a surface scratch.

"No... thank you, though!" She quickly straightened up, turning away.

"Orihime?" A boy with spiky orange hair and a small girl questioned, confronting the girl, Orihime.

She blanched. "Ara, are you okay Orihime? Your leg..." she waved her hands in denial."I was only grazed by a car, nothing to worry about!" She smiled sheepishly, scurrying off.

What. The. Hell. That was the equivalent to the 'flesh wound' gag. You, kid, were hit by a car. You do not simply _shrug it off._

I sighed, dragging myself from the concrete. I met the wary gaze of the orange haired boy.

"Who the hell are you?" I frowned.

"Who are you?" I shot back. The girl gave a sigh, and began to speak. Her voice dripped with exuberance. "Sorry, my friend is very rude. We're friends with Orihime, you see," I nodded in understanding.

"We were worried," She continued. "I'm Rukia and this grumpy pants is Ichigo," She gestured, elbowing Ichigo.

"Sorry." He grunted indifferently.

I smiled softly, checking my watch. 3 PM.

"I'll be off," I proceeded, stepping to cross the road again. I waved away, unaware of the suspicious look Rukia held.

I crossed the road, picking up store takoyaki to munch on. After buying a pack, I set my legs over a bench near the front of Urahara.

I _really _don't to confront anyone right now.

I groaned, pulling my legs up to my chin. I held the takoyaki in front of my mouth and immediately lost my appetite.

I felt my eyes droop and my breath slowed, as a sleek black cat slinked into my vision. It's piercing eyes stared into mine as it glanced slyly back to the takoyaki.

I sighed, cooing softly.

"I suppose you want some yucky store takoyaki, kitty. Let me tell you, it isn't any good." It's gaze settled on me, preferably asking 'why'd you buy it then?'

"I..look, kitty." I waved the stick around. "My life is like this takoyaki stick. It stinks, it makes my eyes water, but I still eat it because it's the cheapest thing on the market."

I smiled softly.

"I guess you'd still want it, though." I picked the cat up.

"You'd be like a little shinigami, eating the rest of my life..."

Five seconds.

5

4

3

2

1

The little cat I was holding swiftly_ transformed _into a full grown woman with dark skin and the same bright eyes I had seen on the cat.

_Whaat._

I shrieked, jumping back.

"W-who..." I froze. The dark skinned woman was the one I saw in Urahara Shop a few weeks ago.

What would _shinigami _be a trigger word?

Doing the next best thing besides confronting her, I took off screaming.

Then, in the short seconds before I ran _smack dab into Kisuke Urahara, _I remembered I left my takoyaki on the bench.

_damn._

Slam. I came face to chest with Urahara. "Are you all right , Hirari?" He asked, straining his neck to look at me.

"Uh-u-huu..." I babbled incoherently, cheeks red.

Not thinking of anything better to say, I screamed, "SWORDFISH!"

I took off crying in embarrasment.

* * *

There so ends the tale of stupidity. I looked away from the polka dot dress, sighing.

Looking down, on my skirt was a stain. A takoyaki stain.

I buried my head into my knees again and let out a muffled scream.


End file.
